Geisterbahn Incident (The Conclusion)

  Since I've been stuck in this hospital ward for the past three weeks, I haven't bothered to tell anyone what happened until now. After all, who would believe me; I'm niemand.

  

  Doctors told me this morning I’ll be able to go home soon, maybe in a week.  Along with two broken ribs, second and third degree burns on my arms and a huge hematoma on my left leg, the headaches I’ve had since the accident are the real reason I won’t be going back to work anytime soon. I do know I won’t be going back to clean U-Bahn stations anymore. I’m having dizzy spells and that kind of work requires too much standing and bending over.  Strangely, people have started to treat me differently because other than the dog, I was the only survivor pulled out of the wreckage.

  Another strange thing I’ve noticed is that all the television, radio and newspaper reports about what happened in the subway station have been not only wrong, they’ve been lies.

  First, the official BVG subway administration explanation came out. They said the cause of the explosion was  “faulty maintenance or tampering” in one of the tunnel’s big electric generators. Then, a BVG spokesperson announced on tv last night that the subway will be shut down for an “indeterminate amount of time until necessary repairs and improvements” can be completed.  I’ll be damned if I know what they think they’re going to improve.

  Today, The Berliner Allgemeine newspaper said that an initial Berlin police investigation revealed links to “terrorist organizations probably responsible” for setting off explosions in the station, although none of the groups they suspect have claimed any responsibility for the so-called “terrorist bombing”.

  I feel so sorry for the poor Berliner Kriminalpolizei: they can’t even afford enough typewriters and now, the German Federal Service for Protection of the Constitution (BfV) has officially taken over the case, which means all the foreign intelligence agencies and Interpol are falling all over themselves to come up with an explanation.

  Since Berlin is a worldwide wrestling headquarter for spooks and spies, disgruntled ex-Stasi informants and foreign diplomats, the internet is getting crammed with all kinds of theories because all the foreigners are getting into the act.

  The Chinese government has offered to provide their full cooperation; China’s MSS announced they suspect narcoterrorists are to blame. 

  

  Russia’s FSB thinks Uzbekistan’s IMU sent suicide bombers. The British MI6 claim it was either The Fake IRA or the Real IRA. The French DGSE believe a bomb was set off by radical environmentalists and the Italian AISE are 99% sure anarcho-communists were involved. Israel's MOSSAD suspects The Orange Volunteers. The Polish AW and Swiss DAP agree that it had to have been right-wing radicals. But Canada’s CSIS and Spain’s CNI insists left-wing radicals are responsible.

  Even countries who haven’t been asked are trying to get piece of the action; since it means overtime pay for them, they’re happy to oblige. Turkey’s MiT have a hunch that the Communist Party of the Philippines was involved. Pakistan’s ISI, Albania’s SHISH, The Saudi GIP and the Vatican’s DISIP all maintain that the National Democratic Front of Bodoland are to blame. 

  

  Meanwhile, the Jamaican Defence Force Intelligence Unit are hot on the trail of scientologists.

  With so many theories, who can you believe?

  Damn foreigners. I know they won’t catch anybody because I know what really happened. I was there and I saw it all.

  But do you know what? It doesn’t really matter to me if anyone believes me or not. As far as I’m concerned, you can take care of your own trash from now on: I’m finished with the whole damn business.

  

  I quit and this is my Kündingung.

 

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